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There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling
Nov. 20th, 2007
09:53 am - 10 things in the past 8 weeks
Due to popular demand, I present 10 things I have done in the past 8 weeks:
1) Went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist who has treated Clay Aiken, Mariah Carey, and Barry Manilow
2) Discovered a delightful Tibetan tea house in Astoria
3) Attended an exhibition by Damien Hirst that featured 30 eviscerated goats
4) Celebrated my 24th birthday by having a nervous breakdown
5) Made friends with some colleagues in my company's visual arts department and was subsequently asked to attend their holiday party, like some latter-day Cinderella of sorts
6) Entertained the beloved in-laws, which included, but was not limited to, showing them pictures of my childhood, taking them to The Strand, and grimacing through a harbor cruise so they could have a picture with the Statue of Liberty
7) Was pushed by a woman at the library, who accused me of attempting to conceal my flatulence (blatantly untrue!)
8) Had a garishly costumed old lady read my future in a crystal ball
9) Acquired saucy new spectacles
10) Stayed up all night watching a marathon of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Aug. 21st, 2007
07:23 am - Gah
I wrote a really long moany post, but what's the point? I'm depressed. I need something that I'm not getting, and I don't know what it is; I don't even know how to think about plunging into the void.
Instead I'll read the New York Times, ignore my e-mail inbox, and turn my phone to silent. I hope all is well with everyone.
Jun. 17th, 2007
06:33 pm - Steven's last night in town
(PS, did anyone else like that Ben Folds song? It's totally on my playlist right now, good for a going-away mix.)
We made our last trip to the Punjab this weekend...lots of food, lots of Torea understanding one word of the conversation and imagineering the rest of it, lots of smiling and fun and radiating love. If there's one thing I've learned since I've been in India, it's that if you have an open mind and heart, people will understand. There will be missteps, but people will understand.
Yesterday, we were picking up Sumeet's great aunt and uncle (who are referred to here as Bhuaji and Phupharji). They're probably in their 80s, and they're both more conversant in English than some of the middle generation -- primarily because they experienced the Raj, I suppose. Anyhow, we went to pick them up from their house, and after we had some water, I could tell that Phuparhji (great uncle) was talking to Sumeet about the profession he'd take up in the U.S. (most people here think the photography thing is a passing fad).
He noticed me, and then started speaking English. "When you are choosing a profession, it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you make the best of it. If you want to be a shoe shiner, you shine the shoes as good as you possibly can. People will see the shininess and be happy."
This is the attitude that I try to live every day. Nothing is below me; I must make the best of every situation. A beautiful lesson as I prepare for a new part of my life.
May. 8th, 2007
06:49 pm
Come to my hubby's super fantastic photo exhibition! It's his Delhi debut and it's at one of the subconty's most important galleries, the Visual Arts Gallery at the India Habitat Centre. May 19-24; the opening night is May 19 at 7 p.m., and there will be free booze for all. Bring your most obnoxious social-climbing friends and be seen! The topic? Behind the scenes of the burgeoning Indian fashion world. It's gonna be awesome!
If you want to purchase a limited edition print, e-mail me and we can send you a catalog. There are 60 images, with only 20 runs of each image; the framed exhibition prints are 12x18, I believe. Get 'em while they're hot!
AAAANNND...end shameless husband promotion. But seriously, he's great!
Oct. 22nd, 2006
02:36 am - Whoa
So, in the last fifteen days, I've been to Bangkok, the Thai/Cambodia border, Siem Reap in Cambodia, Phnom Penh, a beach town called Sihanoukville, back to Phnom Penh, back to Bangkok, and finally, at 9 p.m. last night, amid the unceasing fire crackers of Diwali, Delhi.
There's a lot to say and a lot of pictures to post, which will all be happening at http://posteverything.blogspot.com
Send me your REAL address for a postcard -- you can just email me at ToreaFrey at gmail dot come if you are so inclined. Sumeet and I didn't want to do the traditional tourist postcards (which, on a sidenote, child beggars sold at Angkor Wat, and part of their hard sell was to count to ten in as many different languages as possible -- imagine, in the surround sound of tiny innocent voices, "One two three four five six seven eight nine ten/eins zwei drei vier funf sechs sieben acht neun zehn/uno dos tres quatro cinco seis siete ocho neuve dies/un deux trois..."), but we are going to do prints of some of our pics, mount them on less-than-flimsy paper, and send them as cards to our various loved ones.
AND, a brainstorm I had on the back of a motorcycle in Sihanoukville, particularly pertinent to my fellow graduates of Milwaukie High circa 2001. It's our five-year whatever (actually, a little past now), and on certain social networking sites, I've seen calls for a party. Being practical -- and also not being in any position to make it to any such soiree -- I thought we might do something different. At good old MHS, a lot of students aren't really...encouraged to pursue horizons that extend beyond our not-so-quaint little suburb. So I thought it might be a really cool thing if we deployed the power of the Internets to call for pictures of all the places we've been since graduating. My only restriction would be the images should be outside the Portland metro area, and they shouldn't be personal snapshots -- not like, Shigs giving a peace sign or whatever crap the cool kids might come up with. But when I think of my friends, I think of Joe playing bass in Arizona. I think of Mike joining the Army band (if he did end up doing that). Merrie in Europe. Dina in Japan, and now in Seattle. Doug at MIT. Alyssa Little in Australia and now Europe. Janessa and Mandi at Burning Man, Mandi in DC. I can contribute from India/SE Asia. If we all made, say, 8x10 prints -- perhaps 10-25 in total -- and they were exhibited either in the auditorium where plays were put up or in the hall above the cafeteria -- don't you think it might be a really cool way to show that we're not all consigned to living in Milwaukie forever? I don't know. Such is the working of my brain now.
Oct. 7th, 2006
11:29 am - Where's the revolution?
I'm in Bangkok, naggin mitu, but am yet to see seemy underbelly. Our plans were almost thwarted at the Delhi airport, but one of S's friends broke into his file cabinet at the office and faxed us a copy of his college degree, which allowed him to board the plane. Don't ask.
Otherwise, cheers! It's cool to be out of Injea, and thailand agrees with me pretty durn well.
Jul. 18th, 2006
07:33 pm - Check me out, I'm funky!
http://toreajade.vox.com/ <--- yet another blog. I am suuuuch a douche.
May. 1st, 2006
10:46 am - Suddenly I see
Oh man, today I finally had a save that feels much more essential than anything else I've done here. Yes, I found the word "pubic" in a presentation. In bold. Which should have been the word public.
This is what copy editing is about. Small victories. Laughing about groins. And mocking the consultant that thought spellcheck was a perfectly acceptable substitute for actually reviewing what he had written.
Ass.
Let's see...got kittens fixed yesterday. They were sick all day, wobbling around like drunkards. Tongues sticking out. Hilarious, actually. They're much better today. Our goofy kitties! Last night Pekoe must have been feeling really crappy, because she kept wedging herself between Sumeet and I as we slept so she could get some lovies. Hee. Earl vomited quite alot, and now seems confounded by his lack of balls, but otherwise all is well. What troopers.
Hrm...need to transfer money into my U.S. bank account. Like...a significant amount of money, maybe $1,000. I can't believe that I've saved so much of my paltry salary. I make less than $10,000 a year, and yet I've already saved almost $2,000. Being a miser occasionally pays off.
Sumeet got a promotion and is now a "senior photographer," which means we have a little more money to play with every month. Lucia (my boss) is coming to India again in July, and she's assured me that we'll talk about the "strategic direction of my career," which makes me feel good. She's really gone to bat for me, making a case for her boss to move me to New York and expand my role. Basically, it's awesome to have a boss like Lucia. I can't even describe her excellency. Compared to the general suckage of the managers I interact with in the India office, she is...yeah. Wow.
Also, it's been 110 degrees every day for a week now. When I told my mother how hot it was (as I stood outside the vet clinic, shaded by a overpass, surrounded by no fewer than 15 stray dogs), she remarked, "Ah, so, summer's ending now?" No, actually, it's just starting. Here's to five months of misery, yes? I am unexcited.
Happy birthday to Janessa! Love ya hon!
Apr. 20th, 2006
02:16 pm - Discuss
"Is everyone to go off and lock the door and sit secluded like the lonely writers do, in a soundproof cel, summoning people out of words and then proposing that these word people are closer to the real thing than the real people that we mangle with our ignorance every day? The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again. That's how we know we're alive: we're wrong. Maybe the best thing would be to forget being right or wrong about people and just go along for the ride. But if you can do that -- well, lucky you."
Philip Roth, American Pastoral
Apr. 8th, 2006
08:28 pm - Right back where we started from
Oh, god, no.
I'm addicted.
To "The O.C."
It's embarrassing, shameful really, because this is exactly the type of show that all the sorority girls at NU would go gaga over, and I would coolly roll my eyes (as if I didn't watch "America's Next Top Model" or other cheesy crap).
But Zee Cafe started showing it Monday through Friday at 8 p.m., conveniently right when I need my office-India-catchall detox, and also conveniently started this week with the first episode ever, meaning I don't have to enter midway through the series befuddled about who Marissa and Zach are. Shame, shame, shame.
In other news, it's over 100 degrees here every day now, which sucks because I am categorically unable to deal with heat. I sit around in my pajamas in my air-conditioned room and work because I have nothing better to do, which bodes well for my midyear bonus. Weee! Also, I take tremendous pleasure in making the room arctic and pulling the blanket up around my shoulders, a big fuck you to Mother Earth or whatnot. All your technology are belong to us!
Sumeet's shooting Fashion Week, blah blah blah, and today we took the Metro to a supermarket, which was bizarro world. We bought cheap cat food and he forced a hideous bucket hat upon me, which is good in theory as covering your head keeps you cool, but bad in practice because it is, in fact, a bucket hat. And it's plaid. Oy.
I learned my first Punjabi word, courtesy Sumeet's mom: "Ooth," which is basically a catch-all for calling someone a moron. It's what the fam has always called Sumeet, because he's a butterfingers and kind of a dork, etc. I am incredibly pleased.
Apr. 2nd, 2006
02:04 pm - Bleh
"She wants to be like the water...all the muscles tighten in her face, buries her soul in one embrace. They're one and the same, just like water...and the fire fades away, and most of everyday is full of tired excuses, but it's too hard to say. I wish it were simple, but we give up easily...you're close enough to see the other side of the world, can you help me, can you let me go..." (KT Tunstall)
Good CD. Good CD for a Sunday. My mom always had "Sunday morning music," CDs like Joni Mitchell and Poe and Simon and Garfunkel. I need Sunday morning music and lazy breakfasts, I need to clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor and watch a movie in the afternoon.
In India, it's a little different...I can listen to Sunday morning music, turn on Vh1, or tune to Yahoo music or slip in one of my scratched and bedraggled CDs. And sometimes I have the energy to make pancakes from the overpriced mix (about $5 for a small box), but mostly I let Sumeet brew tea and try and cheer me up with a new brand of lopchu. Today we went out to Andhra Bhawan for a brunchy with Sumeet's brother and some friends, and it was...you know. It's not my breakfast food, it's not freshly sliced fruit and peppermint tea and the buttermilk biscuits I can make without a recipe. It's rice and small fried breads and five kinds of sabzi, pickles and treacly halwa. And it's lovely, in its own little way, but it's not...it's not how I imagined it all would be, and it's not, perhaps, what I want to do every Sunday for the rest of my life. We read newspapers and our maid comes, sweeping up our mess for pennies, and I complain because I know that despite the ridiculously petty amount we pay her, she's taking advantage of us, and she's not doing the work she should be doing.
Anyhow. Yeah. New York, I think, was bad for me in a way, because it reminded me of what is possible and what I have chosen not to have. It's hard not to question your choices sometimes. It's also hard to resist the urge to take the easier path.
See, my boss in NY is looking into seeing if I can be moved to the New York office. But in India, also, my sort-of supervisor-like person also announced that they want to push my career in another direction -- they want me to work on devising a training program on communications. There's a part of me that sees this as just one way for the office to save money (look, we have a natural English speaker and we don't have to hire an entirely new person to do the job and invest a ridiculous amount of money in that expense!) but there's another little part of me that's saying, look, you whore, don't be so petty, think about what this could mean on a resume -- communications consulting in Asia, which you can parlay into jobs in any number of other companies or even within this company, a job that can mean moving and excitement and endless wonder in a path you never imagined!
I don't know how I feel about it at this point. Nonetheless, I've started reading up on communications theory, business communications, and doing my anal crazy person thing. If they give me a raise to complement the new responsibility, I will take on the job.
In other news, on my weekends, I'm devoting serious time to write. A book. And I'm going to follow through on it. And I have six pages already, and god only knows how much editing I'll do to it, or how I'll approach publishers, but this adventure is a story, and it's...it's there. My recent foray into the corporate world has taught me that everything we do is a business opportunity.
Wow, this is an extended rant. woops. I'll try and update this journal more, but it's realy fallen by the wayside. I heart my blogspot blog....drat.
Mar. 15th, 2006
12:18 pm - Why do I like this song?
Everybody loves her but I just want to hit her
She is the prom queen
I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader
I'm sitting in the stands...
She's Miss America, I'm just the girl next door
Also...I am a little ashamed that I like this song, because according to the singer's definition, I'm totally not the girl next door. But it's weird, because...well, I was a prom princess, I was in the marching band, I was a cheerleader...and I feel fugly and gross and mousey, the girl next door.
I guess you shouldn't try and analyze pop songs.
Mar. 7th, 2006
11:14 am - ASDFASLEIIIAYEEEE!!!
I am returning to India! And to my life!!!
Yes, friends, I indeed got my visa. Thank the good lord. And now let's keep our fingers crossed that my name is spelled right, et cetera.
Leaving Friday night. See ya later, bitches!
Mar. 1st, 2006
09:11 pm - GAH!LKJ$!@L$#
So, things that suck ass:
I may be staying in New York until next Wednesday or Thursday.
All I freaking want to do is reunite with my goofy ugly faux husband, and every time I get excited about it, I find out that I'm going to be delayed a little more.
So. Very. Annoying.
And lonely. LONELY. I miss my kittens and I miss Sumeet.
Feb. 26th, 2006
08:01 pm - Sigh
Back in New York.
No idea when or if I'll get back to India -- the visa is still up in the air. I should be touching down in Delhi in five hours. Instead, I'm editing on my laptop in The Pierre, half-watching Cold Case and occasionally running to the bathroom to vomit (I'm not sure what did it, but I think I have food poisoning -- or else it's just a stress reaction).
I really like NY and the U.S. but life feels so empty here. Again I'm thinking about how to escape, how to avoid confronting the problems of the past. I'm drinking every night and shrinking away again. Thinking about death instead of life, strategic relationships rather than enjoying my day.
Is this a part of the American condition? Or have I just fucked everything up here so badly I can't navigate any part of the country? Is it just that I miss Sumeet, need him like I need my right arm? Is this the same stupid blindness of young love, like it was with Jason and vodka, or is this a relationship that will last? What am I thinking? And what is that buzzing in the back of my head?
I already miss my sister and talks about chakras and power animals and the ludicrous absurdity of six siblings, two dogs, and night after night of doubt and befuddled recriminations. I fear that I'm not long for this world when I feel so pulled apart.
Feb. 23rd, 2006
06:39 pm - Portland? Anyone?
I'm here until Saturday night. Anyone wanna hang out? Hot friends I can score with (or something)?
Umm...yea. I'm a little bored of the fam and I would like to go out and shake my ass. Anyone? Bueller?
Feb. 17th, 2006
08:46 pm - I am so confused
What the hell is going on in my life?
I'm happy in India, I'm loving India, then visa troubles, and I'm in New York, I'm living the life that I think everyone who's ever read any chicklit aspires to.
And it's great. So much so that I'm afraid to go back to India, that I'll resent S or others.
Which is why I think it was necessary that I went to dinner with the Rosenbaums tonight; a dinner at which I learned Jason is dating a new person, which for some reason caused me some deep unhappiness. And I don't know why, because...you know...I have my little life. But for some reason, I guess I (and, let's face it, every other woman on the face of the earth) wanted to labor under the illusion that I was unforgettable, that I would have more of an impression on someone, that he wasn't lying when he said that he would still be my best friend after we broke up. Best friends tell each other things. They don't e-mail once a week with niceties about...nothing.
It's funny. He forced me out of my hobbit hole so many times, he forced me to change myself, and ultimately, I guess, he's forcing me back to India to another man and a life that he can never be a part of.
I hate thinking about relationship things.
10:11 am - Hey Marley
Yo dude --
Sorry, was out to dinner last night when you called. I didn't note down your number, which was a numbnuts thing for me to do. Post it here? I'll be out again tonight with Jason's parents/brother. Tomorrow -- I need to check out of my hotel at noon; it's in the Upper East Side. Only problem being, I have luggage, which I will need to either leave at the hotel and pick up later before taking a taxi to JFK or will need to lug it around with me, which isn't very good/convenient.
Ummm...so that's the scoop. I guess I probably should use email for crap like this, but oh well.
Feb. 13th, 2006
05:33 pm - The yatra
It started on Saturday morning.
The cab that was supposed to take me to the airport was an hour late.
Thank goodness (hah.) my flight was delayed three hours.
This delay caused me to miss my connecting flight, the last flight of the day from Munich to New York on Lufthansa (the only carrier I was allowed to fly).
After several breakdowns precipitated by people needlessly being assholes, I settled in to a nice hotel, watched the Olympics in German, took a bath, drank some beer, and slept. (Also, I love how a small beer in Germany is like, a half gallon of booze.)
Returned to the airport the next morning. Despite reports of a New York blizzard, flight was unaffected.
Unfortunately, ground transportation was. Waited three hours for a taxi in the freezing cold, ankle-deep in snow. No taxis were coming to the airport because not all the snow was plowed.
I finally got a driver, and he stops in the middle of the freeway to pick up some random people, who happened to be going within a block or two of my hotel. Great, I thought -- cheaper taxi fare. They hopped out, gave me $40 of the $45 fare.
The cab driver demanded the money right away, which I thought was strange.
Until he dropped me at the hotel and demanded another $50. "Why else would I pick them up if I wasn't getting two fares?"
I waved the NYC taxi slip in his face. "Flat fare? One charge per destination?" (OK, I might have been pushing it a little, but we were literally one block away from each other. There is no way he can demand full fare from me. I'm talking principle, people. I expected to pay through the nose, but this is like...I donno. It pissed me off.) I gave him $20, told him to fuck off, entered the hotel.
Feb. 5th, 2006
12:47 pm - Grand US tour
Hey kiddles --
Preliminary plans right now are as follows...
Week of Feb 13: In New York, working at company's Manhattan office (could this be a precursor to my eventual world domination in copy editing? The world may never know!). They're putting me up in a hotel, so if you, or anyone you know, is in the vicinity, come hang out with me. I'll be sad and lonesome and wanting to drink away the solo Valentine's Day blues.
Week of Feb 20: In Oregon, watching lots of digital cable and baking cookies and playing with dogs and kissing my mommy and sisters and brothers. And maybe getting my stepbrother's girlfriend to give me a new hair cut, and hopefully scouring garage sales or junk stores for the fun of it. Also, definitely, buying good coffee and other foodstuffs with which to stuff into my bag. Ah, American food products. Yum.
Following week: Triumphant return to Delhi, shiny and new employment visa in hand, deportation troubles behind me.
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